July 4th Week

So last week was a show. The fact of a holiday falling in the middle of the week at first disappointed me--no long weekend. Little did I know that last week would in essence BE one LONG weekend. Much fun was had on many levels, trip to the beach, a bar crawl, a happy hour, fireworks from a penthouse rooftop, and lots of sitting by the pool in between. Very little processing of the 1s and 0s going on. But the running theme seemed to be The Cougar (Felis Concolor). Except I don't mean the cat. I mean old, sunbeaten, post-30 females of unquestionably questionable virtue.

The properties and habits of such creatures are still being studied, but it can generally be agreed they are a very aggressive species when in search of a mate. I had several brushes with the subject, and luckily came away with no scratches. However I cannot say the same for some of my compatriots. Two such individuals, who we will call Al and Charlie for purposes of this 'blog, had intense encounters with cougars, which I will detail below:

Charlie vs. "Fran Undresher" (42)- Charlie met this dead ringer for Fran Drescher at a nondescript DC bar. She at first took a fancy to me, but I saw the red hot evil in her eyes and staved her off long enough for Charlie to take over, who apparently was either oblivious to her glare... or perhaps turned to stone and was unable to resist. The acts that unfolded and possibly still may unfold would disease the pages of this blog, so I will spare you and it. Lets just say anything went, and by anything I mean things you could never conjur even after seventeen (17) Absynthe-Robitussin-LSD cocktails while watching the dirtiest porn with a vanful of carnies. There is photographic evidence of this encounter. Inquire within. If you dare.

Al vs. "Icehound" (34) - Al met this beast at a popular Delaware beach bar outside of my presence, so I can only speculate at the courtship ritual. When I got back to the lair, Al had already done unspeakable things with this animal. I pointed out the bloody sheets (sorry guys, its pertinent) and puzzlement ensued. Feel free to make your own hypotheses. Again though, the cougar's appetite for mating seems unquenchable, as she made direct passes at yours truly. I think the Axe I was wearing must contain cougar urine or something. But what is most remarkable about this encounter, is that we have learned a lot about the cougar's impressive tracking skills. Just yesterday Icehound showed up on Al's doorstep some 150 miles away. Astonishing. But 100% true.

That concludes this discussion of cougars, at least for now. You never know where one may be lurking...